By, Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50%, too many are apparently making a serious
mistake in deciding whom to spend the rest of their life with.
To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize 10 insights.
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after
you're married. The classic mistake! NEVER MARRY POTENTIAL!!
The Golden Rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get
married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect
people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the
other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication
skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than
their character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it
burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's
character? Here are four characteristics to definitely check for:
Humility:
Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than
personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other
people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be
nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person?
Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life
goal and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
a) Chemistry and compatibility
b) Share common interests
c) Share common life goal.
Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing
life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together
or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living
for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A
soul mate is a goal mate....two people who ultimately share the same
understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities,
values and goals.
4. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional
connection. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not,
ask:
"Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I
impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect
someone because they own a Mercedes.
Yes, you should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty,
determination, etc., but do you actually respect and admire this person
who possesses these qualities? Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also
means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
5. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express
myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this
person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say
because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid
to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with
the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the
other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an
abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change
you. There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is
made for their benefit.
6. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the
table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate
how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the
course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know
now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find
compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know
what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you
can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate.The
two go hand in hand.
7. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape
from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll
probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix
personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will
exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take
responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better and your
future spouse will thank you.
8. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly. This can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest
exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's
mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not
necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are sexually
compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are
intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about
sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
9. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what
a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs and more often
than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. Jewish tradition places the
onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy
them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved. -To feel that she is the most
important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to
sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs
of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal
oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed
out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience oriented. When
a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will
discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own
needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.
10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who
hasn't separated from his or her parents is a classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as
work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful ! that you and
your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be
fully emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one priority.
And that's not basis for a marriage.
Ability is what you're capable of doing.............
Motivation determines what youdo...................
Attitude determines how well you do it!
''If someone has done you wrong, do not repay him with a wrong. Try to do what
everyone considers to be good ''
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